From The Inside Out

Okay here I am again not knowing where to begin, or knowing what to say. I seem to always start off this way and then end up babbling on and on. Ha! Anyways, I recently went to my rheumatologist ,after waiting about six months to get in to see him. There are only two of them in the city where I live . And since I have state paid insurance, kinda like medicaid, I don’t really get to pick and choose my doctors to much. But anyways, he seemed to be a pretty nice and a pretty good doctor. He x rayed  me from head to toe, and took about 8 tubes of blood. I have not heard anything back about the blood tests yet. So I am assuming that is good news.

The x rays showed allot of Arthritis, and he prescribed some Rheumatoid Arthritis meds for me. Great another pill! Yeah!! I am already taking a pharmacy. My hubby seems to think I need to get off the pills, that maybe they are making me sick. But I don’t think so. I probably should see if maybe some are interacting with others and maybe not working the way they should or something like that maybe. I do take allot of meds I have to admit. And I take four Insulin shots a day also. Ugh! But hey my diabetes is better then ever and my eye sight has improved too! Yeah!! I just wish they could find a definite diagnoses for me.

I am in pain everyday  in my body somewhere. Its getting harder and harder to do daily things like getting dressed or cooking dinner, or just things I need to do everyday. That normal moms and housewives do. Its so frustrating when you want to do something and you cant. Or need to do something and I cant. The pain in my body has taken over my life and has taken away allot of my life too. I am so tired! 

I don’t want to say anything bad about anyone, but the doctors here just aren’t what I would like them to be. I have seen so many different doctors. I have been told so many things that I am over whelmed by it all. I have been told I have MS. Then I was told I have Deep White Matter Brain Disease. I also have High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, Neuropathy in my feet and legs, from my diabetes, migraine headaches, and etc. I always seem to leave out a few things .

I try not to dwell on any certain thing or illness as it doesn’t do me any good to do that. I try my best to rely on my faith in Jesus Christ. Some days are better then others too. Just like I am sure you all have good and bad days. My bad days are usually done in my bed all day, and my good days I usually get a bath and get dressed and maybe get a chore done. And if its a really good day I also get dinner cooked. I feel guilty and sad allot cause I know I need to do more and I really want to do more. But my body just wont let me. I feel so inadequate. I feel down and sad allot cause I cant do things most women my age can do. I am a 46 year old woman in an 80 year old body.

What scares me most is that I will end up in a nursing home. And that I wont be able to take care of myself nor my family. I made my family promise to never put me in a nursing home. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do or not.To put that weight on my families shoulders. But I just cant bear the thought of being in a nursing home.

Anyways, I wish I could find a doctor who could really find out what is wrong with me. I have Lesions in my brain, I have had three abnormal MRIs . I have blacked out and fallen off my porch. I fall down allot. I probably repeat myself a million times to my family. I know I must drive them crazy! I have short term memory loss. One day I may be able to make a meatloaf that I have made the same way for 20 years and then one day I wont remember how to make it. Its so frustrating and depressing.  This is why they think I have MS. 

The pain in my body is unreal. I cant tell you how bad I hurt on some days. And not being able to do things a so called normal 46 year old woman should be able to do is very frustrating. I have good friends that are my age that I watch and see going about there daily activities and such and I tell myself I am going to do my best to  be like that tomorrow, or the next day, or something like that. And of course I never can do it! I try to live up to things I cant. And I know better then to do that. Its just cause I want to be able to be a better mom and a better wife and a better homemaker and etc.!

I talk to God often about how I feel too. And He is always there for me. Thank You Jesus! I don’t usually LOOK sick either. Which even makes it harder. Cause when you don’t LOOK sick then people judge you and assume you are not sick or you are faking it! Know what I mean? We should never LOOK at someone and assume things about them! Never ever judge a book by its cover! There is only one judge and his name is Jesus Christ!

Oh and by the way, if you read my blogs, I may and probably often do repeat myself. Ha! Please forgive me for that! I really dont mean too. I just want to get my point across I guess, and I want people to know that its not easy to have the kind of short term memory loss I have. Everyone has memory loss to some extent I guess. But I am sure its not like mine. Unless you have Alzheimer’s or something like that. And if  you do I am so sorry and I am praying for you! I feel as if I do have that myself sometimes. I feel like no one understands me really. They try to I think. But they really don’t. Sometimes I feel lost inside myself. Specially when I am trying to tell someone something and I cant get the words out! Its like the words are inside my brain but they wont come out my mouth! Ugh!! Its so frustrating! And people just look at me like I am crazy or something. Sometimes I just say never mind, or I stop talking. Cause its harder to try to explain it, and try to say what I am trying to say too! Know what I mean?

I try  to stop and think about others too, like my family and friends. About how it must be hard for them to put up with me too! LOL I know they try there best to understand me and to be sympathetic of me. I am sure its just as hard for them to deal with me as it is for me to deal with me. Ha! I guess that’s why I am writing about all of this too. I just feel so lost inside myself sometimes. Like I am yelling on the inside and no one can hear me, but me! If only we all just took the time to listen a little bit more , a little bit closer, to others. Maybe we could actually hear them yelling on the inside, and we could help them out. Know what I mean?

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About the author  Christie Garcia is Mom to 7 children, ages 8 to 31. She also has 4 granddaughters, ages 1 to 7. Christie lives with several diseases, still in the process of being fully diagnosed. It is Christie's desire to interact with other mom's who are going through stuff too, to encourage, strengthen and build each other up. Read more from this author

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